Becoming more active in the Kink World, so to speak, has helped me overcome some of these hurdles. I don't find it very surprising that part of the appeal of bondage may be the fact that it forces me into a position and there's no way of escaping it, or (on the other hand) I am scared of things and being secured like that helps keep me away from what is bothering me. I could be an armchair psychologist for a whole post about this, but I don't think that makes for terribly interesting material. MORE SEX.
At IML this year, my first year ever, there were two experiences which forced me into being in the public. I would say that both of them were transcendent, resulting in a weekend in which I returned to normalcy a completely different person than how I started out. This is what transpired when I met up with a friend I had known for a few years...
Eric and I became friends through other mutual friends through, of all places, Livejournal. At the time I started talking with him, I noticed he was interested in BDSM and was interested in getting to know him more partly for this reason. He was, in fact, one of the first people I talked to regarding the topic and I asked him a number of different questions. Being more of a sub type himself, it was good to hear about what happens, what safeguards are there, etc. I couldn't have asked for more intelligent, supportive, compassionate friends during the time in which I was really doubting myself over being able to explore, and Eric was one of the strongest supporters I had.
I also delighted in teasing him, and he did the same to me in turn. I got to play the role of the brat, or rather being a "trickster." We bantered back and forth, and my being a brat just made him want to be one of the first guys to tie me up. This just encouraged me, and so we went on back and forth until we were finally able to meet for IML. He was going to be there with his master, Master Richard, who also requested to be able to help out. I agreed after talking with the two of them, and we agreed that I would bring a friend with me (to make sure I was okay) when we went down to the host hotel lobby at IML before we played.
As planned, I arrived at the lobby with one of my friends sharing a room with me. We waited for a while, then saw them arriving. Introductions were made, and then almost instantly I was blindfolded, a jockstrap went in my mouth, and I felt ropes getting tied around me. Despite how the world was now dark, I knew there were stares and I could feel all of those eyes staring at me. As if he predicted exactly what I was thinking, Master Richard whispered in my ear.
"They're all looking at you," he said in his deep, commanding voice. "There's nothing you could do about it."
While I was being bound, I found myself shaking a bit. I was at a crossroads. I knew I would be safe, but should I let myself keep doing that... or should I just play along?
It was then that I made me decision. I would play the role of the captive. I threw my control on the wayside and let myself become captive. Once the ropes were done being tied, I was marched towards the elevators. We were stopped at one point by someone who wanted to take a picture of us. By this point I was no longer afraid.
We made it to their room, and I was given something fuzzy to hold in my hands. I was to crinkle it when things were getting too intense ("yellow") and to drop it when we needed to stop ("red"). After I was stripped, I was sprawled over Eric's knees, and he proceeded to spank my ass. I lasted longer than I thought I would, but at one point the continual force on my cheeks forced me to flag the slow down, and then from there we needed to stop. The jockstrap was removed from my mouth, and I was ordered to suck both of my captors' cocks. I did this without hesitation. All of the previous brattiness which I had taunted Eric with had been beaten out of me, and all I wanted to do was serve.
My trials weren't completely over. Both of them wanted to play a lot more with me while they had the chance. I was still blindfolded as I was subjected to some nipple torture and the business end of, what might be one of the most appropriate names ever, an evil stick. An evil stick is, for those not in the know, a flexible rod that has a little ball on it that flicks back and hurts like hell when it makes contact. However, the pain was worth it for the pleasure - I definitely remember how it felt when Eric began to suck my cock, the feeling of shivers that went down my spine as he gladly gave me one of the best blowjobs ever. It was little wonder that by the time I was allowed to come after being jerked off, I felt nothing but complete bliss despite the red ass, nipples, and places on me that the stick targeted.
Eventually the blindfold came off, and Eric showed me the thing that was given to me as my nonverbal cue during the spanking scene. It was a stuffed fox in a water bottle, an intentional trickstery animal that signified both something I liked and the role I started portraying between both of us. I got to talk to both of them, and I remember really wishing I could stay longer -- seeing both Eric's warm smile and hearing Master Richard's wonderful gravelly voice -- but I had a previous engagement.
The fox might have been caught that round, but he definitely felt himself grow.